Coming Out and Beyond...

Coming Out
I would like to "Come Out" as a Heterosexual male today. I have been listening to my local sport's radio and there is some news swirling about athletes "In the Closet" and potentially "Coming Out" or being "Outed." I am disappointed that there is pressure for them to even have to come out and in conjunction with the understandable need to stay in. I have never been asked about my sexuality and I suppose it's always been assumed...but WHO CARES?! Why does it, should it or even have to matter? So for all my fellow brother's and sisters, I stand with you "Outed!"

Homosexuality
Let me ask you a question? When you’re in that fox hole in whatever God-forsaken war we’re in that day I’m guessing you don’t care who the guy next to you dates, kisses, marries or whether he or she even has health insurance or which political party they chose to align. I can pretty much guess the only thing you care about is getting the hell out of there and bringing your fellow brothers and sisters home. When your kid breaks his leg in three places, your dad has a coronary or you just got capped in a drive-bye, I’m not so sure the doctor on the other end gives two sh*ts about who you date, kiss or marry either...maybe they should take a moment while your bleeding all over them to ask the stupid question as to whether you are gay or hetero and how you chose to live your life like you magically have control over your feelings. Maybe they should just waste those few extra moments between life and death to debate with you the morality of marriage, fidelity, politics or some other bull-sh*t issue that only you care about you self-fish, self-serving, egotistical, moralist who can’t tell the difference between your own f’d up issues and humanity, because you’re too concerned about how you will be affected. How your rights have been compromised and what your supposed to say to your kids. Oh and by the way, the guy in the war over there who just got shot down and is anxiously awaiting the dude who loves his boyfriend more than your sorry as* to save him, is fighting for the very freedom you want to deny your own people. Ok, well since you think they should all just be on an island anyway why don’t we just save you the trouble and ship you all off to the middle of the Pacific or to some other war you’d rather not be saved from...you can all live exactly the way you’d like and leave the rest of us all the "F" alone! Don’t bother sending a postcard. 

Gun Control

So let's go the other way on this…
Let's pretend there is just cause to keep the gun laws the way they are and make it more encouraging to go packing. After all, there are are plenty of rapists, thieves, pedofiles and crazy people alike we need to defend against. And hey, if he's got one, why shouldn't I? I mean the law says I can, and I mean seriously, who brings a knife to a gun fight? Ridiculous. If someone breaks into my house and tries to hurt my family I want to have that Glock 17 to show him who's boss! If some lunatic walks the halls of my kid's school with his AK-47 he better damn well hope his magazine has 50 rounds, cause mine's gonna have 51! I see no reason on God's great earth while my unalienable right to bare arms should ever be compromised so that I can't just load up and go to the gun range, hunt at will and again most importantly defend myself from anyone and everyone who thinks they're gonna mess with me. I'm gonna have my piece with me 24-7: grocery shopping, at the ball game, under my pillow and especially in the shower. This is serious biz. The days of living in a neighborhood where you can walk down the street are over! I'm sleeping with both eyes closed, but a pistol in each hand…and my wife next to me…she picked one up this afternoon at the drive-through lane with a burger on the side. However, I can't forget that in "My New World" the guy who used to just rob me with two forks and a kitchen knife get's to buy his 35-shooter-of-choice and got the latest and greatest double- barrel-Uzi-automatic riding up his back, (they make them now) and it's not only easy and universally acceptable…they have coupons too! $ 10 buys you $100 worth of ammo. You aren't a cool kid unless you "Gots yourself a piece." And hey, why should I have all the fun? And the crazy guy who my 51 magazine shooter was gonna take out while all the teachers who where packing (as well) had my back, decided to bring two, 250 magazine super-mini pistols (cause they make them now too). Oh, I must be ridiculous…they don't make them or ever would…who am I kidding? I almost forgot…the AR-15 assault rifle was made for every day use. I meant to buy one for my grandmother for the holiday's, but Big-Box store was sold out of them…I knew that strange guy at the market had the beat on me, just like he did on that cabbage patch my parents tried to get me as a kid…I gut stuck with a .38 special, 6-shooter and I at minimum wanted a .357 Magnum…but hey, at least I have a gun! I feel safe now. Really. I have a gun! My best friend has one, my mom has one, even the teenager who dips my ice cream has one too! We still decided to keep the drinking age to 21, but now a 16-year-old can grab two colas, some chips and that Saturday-night special for their movie night out. Hey, you gotta defend yourself. And, I'm sleeping really well at night too, knowing I can pop up early in the morning, go shoot some breakfast, do some target practice at the range, cause I better be prepared for that new gal next door…word is she just got a .45 for Xmas and I'll be damned if she's a better shot then I am.

LUCKY US! Quite a turn-of-events

From 12-17-2010

So Becky has a work party tonight and is gallivanting around the city enjoying a night out with her work friends after their office party.  At 5pm I am off to pick up Lila at day care and the usual 12 minute drive takes me an 1/2 hour as you'd have thought the roof of the Metrodome had opened up on Cherry Hill.  (We really need to get better at handling these dustings, though it was getting slippery to be fair.) 

Regardless I get to Lila on time.  The way home was not so kind.  The Jews wandering in the desert paled in comparison to the stretch of cars parked on Brace Road as we attempted to make our way.  Lila was her happy self strapped in, but I was feeling a bit tired and stopped for a large coffee at the Dunkin Donut's drive-through for a boost of energy to run around with big baby when we got home. Back into traffic, let the fun begin!

Now,   please keep in mind we have been nursing the transmission on the Civic for about a year now, waiting to for it die and hopefully repay us some of the moolah we have sunk into in the past two years.  And to our fortune our trusty Civic has held up well.  Meet Brace Road!  As we inch along we make some head way.  I almost make the left on Park Drive to go the back way, but keep moving forward as the trans feels like it might be slipping more frequently here and there.  Lila was started to get a bit fussy as it is nearing 6:30pm which is getting late for dinner.  I try and soothe and talk to her assuring Lila we will be home and eating in just a bit.  We stop with traffic and seem to get stuck as the trans is not going into gear. Voila!  Back into gear it goes and we make it a bit further as we approach the main intersection and the left hand turn lane at Kresson for the second-to-last stretch home. 

I am not letting on, but am concerned for the car.  I am wondering if I might be best, leaving it right were it is in the middle of the street at the beginning of the turn lane, but there are a lot of cars coming in all directions...Lila is starting to cry a bit and growing more upset.  Two gas stations are just ahead with in several hundred feet, just in case.  But I also have no food, no diapers, nothing, (nice position to be in and big girl is getting hungry, at least I think.)  We make it to the front of the turn lane, ready to make that left and that's it..."Herbie" where are you when I need you? 1500 miles from 200K, Civic ain't going anywhere.  Nothing!  Then it just dies all together...idling will do that to a battery & a bad trany.  And I just talked to my dealer friend about all this.  

So now we are in the cross hairs of a busy intersection, traffic up the wazoo, sad, crying baby (poor thing!).  It’s kind of dark, it’s cold, she’s hungry…I can’t believe I let it go this far!  Mind you a Rite Aid is just next to us, so if all else fails I can get diapers and cream and nourishment for Lila and she can run aound the aisles. 

So now what to do?  AAA, it’ll take forever, call my sister who lives down the street from us and not to far from where we are now!  But the traffic coming towards us is insane, it could be an hour! And Lila is getting more and more upset.  But I have no choice, I call my sister’s house and my bro-in-law answers, he offers to pick us up, but he has no car seat and besides it’ll take forever in this and Lila’s in for a long night as am I, in  this bad weather that really doesn’t exist.

“Where’s Deb?” I ask, “She’s on her way home, she picked up Benjamin, hurry and call.”  Bingo!  “Deb, where are you?” I urgently ask.   ”I’m stuck on Brace road,” she says.  Halleluyah!  “I need you to get Lila and get her home and fed.”  So I calmly and finally make it to the back seat and sit with her as her super tears well up in that Punim (face) of hers.  “Your Aunt Debra is coming to get you. sweetheart…”

Time is ticking, I call again and she is only a few cars away she says, which really means 17…but alas they pull up next to us for the transfer and an attempt at a jump start as I have a theory the battery just died cause of all that idling.  I walk her through the depths of the cold night and traffic and plop, into Deb’s minivan she goes. Benjamin asks me about his game as I strap her in.  “You have anything to eat?”  I ask.  They had a COOKIE!!  Nothing like a Fig Newton to cheer up a rightfully blubbering Lila.  She’s all set and warm; I connect the cables for the jump start, Voila! 

The car starts as people begin to honk and I make sure they take off to get home.  I actually make it trough the left turn on Kresson as Herbie has come back to life! I tell Deb to take her to our place now as I am just a few minutes behind them.   But the parking lot ahead will not bode well for this venture home.  Understandably our 2001 Black Honda Civic finally decides to take its last drive and rest next to the Holy Eucharist Christian Church and here I always thought my girl was Jewish.  You live you learn.

So I call Deb again, "Bring Lila to your house, I’m going no were fast, feed her, put her to bed…you guys are safe…I can brave it alone!” I didn’t really say or think that, but did I really have a choice?  I wonder how many drinks Becky is up to?  They trekked from D & B’s to some other bar at 33rd & Walnut, glad she’s warm.  Can’t even call, cause one, she probably won’t answer, two, I really need to call AAA and my phone will probably die knowing me. 

AAA is called and subsequently disconnects as soon as the operator goes trough.  I’d expect nothing less.  Call two, “I need a tow!  And how many times do I need to verify my address for “Verification” purposes?!  Really!  They are on their way!  Yahoo!!  Up to a two hour wait and in this traffic.  Remember the D & D stop for coffee?  Now I have to go to the bathroom.  Several texts of Becky later to assure her everything is in order, Wayne to our house for diapers, PJ’s and cream and Lila happily eating through her Aunt Debra’s house, I am settled in for the long hall. Thank the lord and Holy Eucharist that Herbie’s engine still runs!  It’s kinda cozy shacked up all by my lonesome of the side of the road.

 I consider the fact that I am ironically stuck next to the Church.  Maybe there is a God and boy do I have to go to the bathroom.  My sister calls me back; that D & D cup is looking large…of course the tree on the hill in front of my beloved Eucharist is calling out.  So off I go to take care of business, it’s going to be a long night.  Android Pop-a-shot record beware…better charge my phone. 

The tease of large trucks passing me deflates my hope of an early tow, but only 43 minutes later my knight in shining amour has arrived…well really a bald guy, who hadn’t shaved with glasses, my hairline didn’t seem so bad all of a sudden.  Voila!  Herbie is on the truck and we are off…turns out to be a quick ride as we rumble along. This guy's been working the overnight shift since the night before and works the double three days a week and is only off on Sunday, might I suggest Holy Eucharist?  We talk traffic, football, work and what will be of the Civic…we make it home rather easily. Wwe shake hands, and I slip him a nice tip on a cold night and home I am.  Becky picks up Lila on her way home for an easy transfer to her crib and all is well.  Off to bed soon, early shoot day tomorrow in North Jersey, boo-hoo our Black Stallion, we have had a lot of memories. Seems appropriate to end on such a dramatic run.

CAR BUYING 101 - Don't Get Scammed!

Rule one in a perfect world would be to walk into the car dealership, tell the first goon who approaches you, you have exactly one hour to get me into a new car and out of here.  You add, if along the way I detect any scam on your behalf I am gone and you can keep your stinkin' car!

Of course the world is not perfect, (car buying less so) and the idea that you can actually find, test drive and sign all the necessary paper work in an hour is ambitious at best, so here is the bottom line to avoid the racket of car buying. And oh yes, it is a racket.

1.  It is their job to separate you from your money. Again, it is their job to make money off of you.  So stop feeling insecure, keep your guard up and go in guns blazing for the shoot out.

2. Eat, drink and be rested for the long haul. Endurance is key here as they will do any number of subtle things along the way to waste your time, tire you out and help you let your guard down.  This might be a good time for some "Five Hour Energy."  They want you there for hours.

3.  Do your homework!!  Know what car or two you want and know all your numbers.  Information is power.  They inevitably know more than you do, but you can level the playing field with a few key moves.  www.Trucar.com & www.Edmunds.com.  The numbers are all there.  Here are the numbers from www.Trucar.com:

Example: Honda Civic, Automatic, EX

Sticker Price: $21,005 - not interested in this price at all, irrelevant
Invoice: $19065 - Better place for a ceiling
Average: $18686 - Let's shoot for in this ball park
Dealer: $18,200 - Have this in your back pocket and negotiate up from this.
Best: $18,205 - A Goal!

Bottom line is to negotiate up from the dealer's cost within a few hundred dollars.  On occasion and if you are with any special programs and incentives you can even beat the dealers cost, but reasonably the average is where you want to be.  Notice the almost $3000 difference between INVOICE & DEALER cost.   This is the gray area to negotiate.  Dealers get buy-back money from the manufacturer, need to turn over cars and might only make a few hundred dollars off of the sale, they still make money.  And keep reading for the other ways they cash in...it's not just about the cost of the car.

4.  DO NOTS!!!

DO NOT negotiate a price as X of a monthly payment.  i.e. $399 for 60 mos., 48 mos, 36mos...Scam! Those terms do no reflect the price of the car, but instead include a hefty finance rate extended over a certain period of time that looks like a reduced monthly rate, but ultimately makes them more money.  DO the math!

DO NOT  take their financing if you can get your own.  Instead of that great 2.99 rate, they'll be happy to let you know your credit is not so good and find a way to give you a plump 7.99 rate, etc...apply yourself for financing ahead of time and once secure let them know you have your own.  This will not make them happy, let them beat the rate,

DO NOT pay for:  window etching, scotch guard, alarm systems, etc. any of the extras the finance guy you sign with throws at you.  Most things can be bought after-market at extremely reduced rates.  i.e. $300 Scotch guard is a $10 can you can do yourself or window etching they charge $100-$500 can be done for 20 bucks yourself and does not lower your insurance, scam!  ONLY an extended warranty should be considered and this should be negotiated too. You can decide if you need it.

5.  DOs!

DO Stay focused

DO negotiate a price X and then figure out the terms.  i.e.  $18,500 for 48 months @ 3.99% = $X

DO  read everything you sign and read it twice

DO be willing to "WALK" if not satisfied, unsure, etc.  THEY WILL CHASE AFTER YOU!

DO make sure the the math is right.  They will lie and try and cheat you by adding in something that does not belong in hopes you do not pick up on it and sign off  on it with the finance guy.  It happens...just happened to me.

DO know the exact number you agreed to.  Then know exactly what it is with Tax & Tags, nothing more.  Check that # three times and make sure it shows up on the pink sheet  you sign with nothing else "Added in."  No BS finance charges or extras.

DO pay cash if you can and save even more money.

REMEMBER!  They try and scam you with the price, scam you with a bad finance rate or monthly payments and finally scam you with all the add-ins.  The sales guy is not your friend, the sales manager less-so and the finance guy, well...I'll stop here.

BE EMPOWERED.  Now go get a great deal!!!

www.MichaelKelberg.com